I am Jen, Jen I am

my journey towards happy and healthy healing…inside and out!

Archive for the tag “#fitfluential”

tuning, toning, and shaking it up

It has been a LONG time since I have participated in a Shrinking Jeans weight loss challenge.  I decided to join in on their June Tune Up challenge because I definitely need a kick in the ass to get back into a groove. I have not been losing weight and for the last 3 weeks I haven’t really been working out.

I want to get some of this weight off me.  I could list all the reasons my body deserves me to work on this but I won’t. Honestly, I feel mushy. I liked feeling leaner and toner like I did when I was training last summer. Pre-injury. Pre-surgery. Pre-weight gain. Not only did I gain the weight but my muscles went mushy. I don’t feel like my best self. I don’t feel comfortable in my skin.

I have not been taking care of myself properlike.

So, I decided to join SJ’s June Tune Up Challenge. I could use a good tune up (I don’t know about y’all but the second I wrote that sentence I giggled ’cause I know that could be taken in a naughty way but I am leaving it anyway). My body and mind need a shake up.

If I am being completely honest with myself, I have not been putting my all into my journey. I have let my head and overthinking get in the way of making progress. The way I have been doing it has not been working. I am not working out or eating well and my body (and mind) are trying to tell me.

This challenge is a team challenge and I have the BESTEST partners in the whole world. Officially Ann, from She’s Gonna Blow, is my partner. Ann is the greatest cheerleader and friend anyone could hope for. Ann and I have become really, reallygreat friends and we have been trying to encourage the other but really I think we are kinda enablers but we try. We have vowed to truly commit to this challenge and to support and encourage not enable each other for the entire 30 days.

I am committing to kicking ass this challenge. Not literally, but I want to push myself but also do right for me and my body.

My commitments for the next 30 days:

1. #saladaday – I mentioned on twitter that I needed to add more veg to my life and Karena tweeted back that I should try the #saladaday challenge – well, I am giving it a whirl.

2. MOVE my body every day (those SJ Sisters are always thinking!! – they even came up with a daily exercise commitment calendar called the June Tone-Up – this will give me the very minimal amount of moving but since I have been pretty slacked, I’d say this is a good place to start)

3. Get back into #NROLFW and restart Stage 2.

4. Experiment with Wheat Free – I have been reading about things I am noticing in my body and possible causes and also about the benefits of eliminating wheat as a relief to these issues. 30 days is not long to go without pasta or bread

5. Track it all – all food, and activity using WW online.

I think that is enough! They all sort of work together and nothing is too over-the-top to cause stress. It’s 30 days!! I can do anything for 30 days.

Oh yeah, did I tell you about my parters. No, I only told you about my official partner, Ann. Ann and I make up the team called Kick A$$ WIPs (WIP = Work in Progress). Unofficially, my husband has decided to join me in the no-wheat thing and the saladaday thing (well at least on work days) – he figures if he can’t have a sandwich or pasta what can he ha

ve but a salad for lunch. This is a huge step for my husband and, really, for me too. I talked to him the other day and told him how I was feeling and I wanted to make some food changes.  He was wonderful, he listened and then he told me he would join me because he needs to make some changes too.

Last night, to get prepared for this upcoming challenge, I spent about half an hour cutting and prepping veggies for salads and hardboiling eggs. There are two pictures below..the left is my fridge and all the salad prep on one shelf (spring mix, spinach, and 2 heads of romaine all cleaned and bagged up; a huge cucumber peeled and sliced; a couple red peppers cleaned and diced; homemade cucumber & tomato salad; diced up lunch meats (ham, turkey, provolone) portioned out; and 8 eggs hardboiled and peeled)….and the pic on the right is my salad and hubby’s salad all packed up before work this morning.

    

 

I decided it was time for a challenge. Time to challenge myself and make a real commitment to feeling my best!

Here’s to June!!

 

P.S. So far Day 1 has been great. Having salad stuffs all prepped and waiting to just be put together in my bowls was a huge helper.  I am making conscious choices as I go through my day. Day Ones are always awesome…aren’t they?!?

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faking it, fighting it

I am so over this funk.

I hate being miserable.

I am not naturally a grumpy person, I prefer to be giggly and silly and happy and energetic and cheerleady. I hate the way this funk makes me feel. So I am going to fight it.

I am gonna fight to get to where I like to be. The place where I am my happiest me! I am going to work on me. I know I feel better when I am not stressing about losing weight but still working on it. I know I feel better when I am exercising regularly but not stressing it.

Ah-ha! I am seeing a pattern. I start with something that makes me feel better but then I somehow turn that same thing into something stressful. Stress leads to a funk. Funk leads me into a not-so-nice place. I came across this quote on pinterest (yep, I am pin-addict) and I was drawn to reading it over and over again.

I need to change this cycle I have been trapped in.

I am only human, so mistakes and emotions (emotions are not the mistakes, but mistakes compound emotions) happen. I always tell my students the only real mistake is to not learn from said mistakes. Emotions are meant to be felt. I have to let myself feel them, but the mistake I have been making is to let those emotions dictate my actions.

I can learn from this; I know a few things and I will build upon that which I know!

I know I do better with a plan but monthly goals of x-number of whatevers always gets me off track. I must STOP doing this. 

I do great when I make a daily to-do list. I need to do this every night before I go to bed. Its a way of seeing what the day looks like and keeping it all straight. I must write things down. It just works for me!

I know I feel better with regular exercise, so my new plan is no plan. I am going to get my ass to the gym! I like the gym, I feel better after I workout. So, my non-plan is to have a gym bag with me every day and after school I will do something. I will elliptical or lift weights or take a yoga class or some combination. I must JUST DO SOMETHING!!

I know I feel better when I am eating good-for-me foods but not being ridiculously restrictive. I also know, sometime I need to tough-love myself because I do have the most ridiculous sweet tooth and no control when it comes to brownies or goldfish. I know if I force myself to slow down and breathe a bit before I eat mindlessly, I can talk myself into better choices. As long as I have a menu plan I keep dinner rather balanced and as long as I pack lunches I keep them balanced. My biggest problem is snacking before and after dinner. I will make a conscious effort to make better choices than I have been making. I will also go back to tracking and counting my points.

It is time to find my happy.

Find my balance.

Do what feels better.

And while I figure it all out, I will fake it and fight it until it all works itself out!

It is all part of the process…the journey!

it hurts

depression

weight gain

weight loss

healthy living

diet

to not diet

progress

no progress

will I know it when I get there?

what does it look like?

How?

How do I get there?

what the fuck do I want?

what the fuck am I doing?

social media

That was a free-flow stream of conscious thing I found myself writing yesterday. I was in a meeting and my mind started to drift and I had a pen in my hand. I started to scribble and that turned to words . Then this list just appeared.

I have been floundering for a few weeks. At first, I tried to hide it. Then I just plainly hid myself. I posted when I went to WW and gained, again. Then I posted plans. Then that was IT!

I have done nothing since then!

NOTHING.

NADA.

ZILCH.

I have not been to the gym. I have not taken walks around my neighborhood. I have not been stretching or icing. I have done nothing to make myself feel better.

I have been letting bad habits slide it.

Shortly after I last posted, I had a situation. An incident. I don’t really want to go into the details but I have already put a few things out there for the internetz to hear. My ex has surfaced, after about a 4 year silence but a 12 year absence, and made contact on facebook.

I hate to admit, but this situation really rattled me.  I was transported back in time to a time I would like to forget. One day, I may write more about this past of mine but this isn’t what today’s post is about. I was in an abusive relationship but I left that, I left him. I thought I had left all those insecure feelings behind me. Apparently not.

I have a lot going on in my head.

I am not in a great place.

I am not taking care of me the way I should.

I know what I need to be doing.

I know what will make me feel better.

But I can’t seem to do it.

What is wrong with me?

NOTHING is wrong with me!

I am just going through some stuff.

I am working through it.

But I can’t make myself feel worse while I work through my mental stuff.

I need to make better choices.

The not-better choices are making me feel worse, weak, and pathetic.

I have not been able to drag my ass to the gym, I feel so lost in my lifting plan.  So, I haven’t gone. I know this is making me feel worse. I just can’t seem to change it.

So, new plan: 

FEEL the feelings. Let them flow.

Feel the feelings but I can’t let them control and paralyze me.

Get my ass to the gym. Who cares what I am supposed to do, just get there and do SOMETHING!

Take some extra vitamins.

Track what I eat – even the not-so-good choices. I have been teetering between myfitnesspal and WW but I am going to stick with one. For now, I am going to stick with WW – my mom is paying for it and I don’t want to waste it plus the weekly meetings really do help. The support is the best!

Reach out to a friend, or blog, or whatever will make my head feel better. I cannot bottle up the feelings/emotions because they paralyze me.

So for now, my goals are on hold. I made May goals but I shouldn’t have. I suck at making and sticking to goals.  I am going to work on fixing the craziness going on in my head.  I will also call my doctor to get bloodwork done – it has been a while and I should know what is going on.  I am also contemplating a counselor – I have obvious issues with my ex that I didn’t know still existed.

I already work with many teenagers affected by domestic violence, abuse, and other terriblenesses. I want to help them. I have to help me first!

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