to not diet
will I know it when I get there?
what does it look like?
How do I get there?
what the fuck do I want?
what the fuck am I doing?
That was a free-flow stream of conscious thing I found myself writing yesterday. I was in a meeting and my mind started to drift and I had a pen in my hand. I started to scribble and that turned to words . Then this list just appeared.
I have been floundering for a few weeks. At first, I tried to hide it. Then I just plainly hid myself. I posted when I went to WW and gained, again. Then I posted plans. Then that was IT!
I have done nothing since then!
I have not been to the gym. I have not taken walks around my neighborhood. I have not been stretching or icing. I have done nothing to make myself feel better.
I have been letting bad habits slide it.
Shortly after I last posted, I had a situation. An incident. I don’t really want to go into the details but I have already put a few things out there for the internetz to hear. My ex has surfaced, after about a 4 year silence but a 12 year absence, and made contact on facebook.
I hate to admit, but this situation really rattled me. I was transported back in time to a time I would like to forget. One day, I may write more about this past of mine but this isn’t what today’s post is about. I was in an abusive relationship but I left that, I left him. I thought I had left all those insecure feelings behind me. Apparently not.
I have a lot going on in my head.
I am not in a great place.
I am not taking care of me the way I should.
I know what I need to be doing.
I know what will make me feel better.
But I can’t seem to do it.
What is wrong with me?
NOTHING is wrong with me!
I am just going through some stuff.
I am working through it.
But I can’t make myself feel worse while I work through my mental stuff.
I need to make better choices.
The not-better choices are making me feel worse, weak, and pathetic.
I have not been able to drag my ass to the gym, I feel so lost in my lifting plan. So, I haven’t gone. I know this is making me feel worse. I just can’t seem to change it.
So, new plan:
FEEL the feelings. Let them flow.
Feel the feelings but I can’t let them control and paralyze me.
Get my ass to the gym. Who cares what I am supposed to do, just get there and do SOMETHING!
Take some extra vitamins.
Track what I eat – even the not-so-good choices. I have been teetering between myfitnesspal and WW but I am going to stick with one. For now, I am going to stick with WW – my mom is paying for it and I don’t want to waste it plus the weekly meetings really do help. The support is the best!
Reach out to a friend, or blog, or whatever will make my head feel better. I cannot bottle up the feelings/emotions because they paralyze me.
So for now, my goals are on hold. I made May goals but I shouldn’t have. I suck at making and sticking to goals. I am going to work on fixing the craziness going on in my head. I will also call my doctor to get bloodwork done – it has been a while and I should know what is going on. I am also contemplating a counselor – I have obvious issues with my ex that I didn’t know still existed.
I already work with many teenagers affected by domestic violence, abuse, and other terriblenesses. I want to help them. I have to help me first!