I struggle, I share
My good friend, Carla, posted this picture on facebook a few weeks ago. It stuck with me. For some reason, today, I was thinking about this quote. This quote (ok, not this actual quote but the sentiment of it) is the EXACT reason I started this new blog. I was feeling obligated to write certain things in a certain way at jeninreallife. Honestly, I was getting to the point where I didn’t feel like I could truly be me. and when your blog is “…in real life” you should be able to be real. I know, it sounds weird but I trapped myself into this uber-positive place. Being positive is not a bad thing! I am a positive person; I look at the brighter side or the silver lining. BUT, I felt that I wasn’t being real.
I wasn’t talking about weight loss anymore: I wasn’t focusing on weight loss and I had actually been gaining. Somewhere along the way, the lines blurred between not focusing on weight loss, not caring, and downright flipping my nose up at the whole damn thing.
I wasn’t really talking about my injury: My injuries became a huge part of my existence but I wasn’t blogging about it. It was negative and ugly and I didn’t feel I should be so negative and ugly.
I wasn’t talking about food: ya know why?!? I was eating like crap. I was eating to hide my pain and disappointment and I didn’t want to tell anyone about it. Hell, I didn’t want to admit it to myself.
I wasn’t…doing anything! I was falling into a depressive state. I wan’t ready to admit that to myself how my injury was bothering me and bleeding into other areas of living.
I was actually hiding. Jen in Real Life was like an alter ego. I was keeping that part of life separate from my real life. I’m a teacher so I do try to keep part of my life private. But that doesn’t mean I should hide who I am. I was one way online (and in person with my #fitbloggin tweeps) and more reserved and less…well, less me with real life people. Part of that is facebook – why oh why, am I friends with people I never liked anyway?!?
I was scared! I had an injury. I was looking to surgery to repair the ankle and I was scared! But I didn’t feel confident enough to express my fear. I’m always the strong one; the one who takes care of everything and everyone.
I saw this picture of this quote on facebook and I thought about it and thought about it. I was already looking to make a change. I had changed my twitter name and started a new blog with the intention of giving myself a place to heal. I didn’t know just how much I needed this healing place until now. I keep looking at the picture/quote – because so much of this pain I am dealing with is raw and ugly and personal I am not sure how much or how little I should put out there. I come back and read those words…and realize, I need to write out what is going on. I need to share my struggles.
I put it all out there on twitter, but at only 140 characters at a time I have way more to work through.
I put some of it out there on facebook. I am still a bit more reserved on facebook. To me, facebook is just not the place for all intimate details. FFS, I am friends with my boss on facebook.
Here, in this place, I need to freely explore being me. I need to share this journey I am on. I need to do it for me – I need to have my words, stories, struggles to come back and read and reflect as I continue. I need to do it for any and all strugglers out there – if I am struggling there is bound to be someone else struggling. So many people put a pretty glossy image on everything. Yes, they tell you what is going on but they don’t dig in deep and share the nitty-gritty.
I am here to share the nitty-gritty. Someone (besides me) might benefit from my struggles.
I am opening myself up to the emotional roller-coaster. I am going to live the emotions and blog the process of processing it all. I think I am going to learn so much along the way!
I need to send special thanks out to all my twitter peeps, you have all helped me so much in the past week. I need to especially thank Carla, Tara & Meegan, Karen, and Christie – you ladies have no idea how much you have helped me….I have learned so much from your wise words.
This will be my secret to success! 😉