I am Jen, Jen I am

my journey towards happy and healthy healing…inside and out!

I struggle, I share

My good friend, Carla, posted this picture on facebook a few weeks ago. It stuck with me. For some reason, today, I was thinking about this quote. This quote (ok, not this actual quote but the sentiment of it) is the EXACT reason I started this new blog.  I was feeling obligated to write certain things in a certain way at jeninreallife. Honestly, I was getting to the point where I didn’t feel like I could truly be me. and when your blog is “…in real life” you should be able to be real. I know, it sounds weird but I trapped myself into this uber-positive place. Being positive is not a bad thing! I am a positive person; I look at the brighter side or the silver lining. BUT, I felt that I wasn’t being real.

I wasn’t talking about weight loss anymore: I wasn’t focusing on weight loss and I had actually been gaining. Somewhere along the way, the lines blurred between not focusing on weight loss, not caring, and downright flipping my nose up at the whole damn thing.

I wasn’t really talking about my injury: My injuries became a huge part of my existence but I wasn’t blogging about it. It was negative and ugly and I didn’t feel I should be so negative and ugly.

I wasn’t talking about food: ya know why?!? I was eating like crap. I was eating to hide my pain and disappointment and I didn’t want to tell anyone about it. Hell, I didn’t want to admit it to myself.

I wasn’t…doing anything! I was falling into a depressive state. I wan’t ready to admit that to myself how my injury was bothering me and bleeding into other areas of living.

I was actually hiding. Jen in Real Life was like an alter ego. I was keeping that part of life separate from my real life. I’m a teacher so I do try to keep part of my life private. But that doesn’t mean I should hide who I am. I was one way online (and in person with my #fitbloggin tweeps) and more reserved and less…well, less me with real life people. Part of that is facebook – why oh why, am I friends with people I never liked anyway?!?

I was scared! I had an injury. I was looking to surgery to repair the ankle and I was scared! But I didn’t feel confident enough to express my fear. I’m always the strong one; the one who takes care of everything and everyone.

I saw this picture of this quote on facebook and I thought about it and thought about it. I was already looking to make a change. I had changed my twitter name and started a new blog with the intention of giving myself a place to heal.  I didn’t know just how much I needed this healing place until now. I keep looking at the picture/quote – because so much of this pain I am dealing with is raw and ugly and personal I am not sure how much or how little I should put out there. I come back and read those words…and realize, I need to write out what is going on. I need to share my struggles.

I put it all out there on twitter, but at only 140 characters at a time I have way more to work through.

I put some of it out there on facebook. I am still a bit more reserved on facebook. To me, facebook is just not the place for  all intimate details. FFS, I am friends with my boss on facebook.

Here, in this place, I need to freely explore being me. I need to share this journey I am on. I need to do it for me – I need to have my words, stories, struggles to come back and read and reflect as I continue. I need to do it for any and all strugglers out there – if I am struggling there is bound to be someone else struggling.  So many people put a pretty glossy image on everything. Yes, they tell you what is going on but they don’t dig in deep and share the nitty-gritty.

I am here to share the nitty-gritty. Someone (besides me) might benefit from my struggles.

I am opening myself up to the emotional roller-coaster. I am going to live the emotions and blog the process of processing it all. I think I am going to learn so much along the way!

I need to send special thanks out to all my twitter peeps, you have all helped me so much in the past week. I need to especially thank Carla, Tara & Meegan, Karen, and Christie – you ladies have no idea how much you have helped me….I have learned so much from your wise words.

I struggle.

I share!

This will be my secret to success!  😉

 

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6 thoughts on “I struggle, I share

  1. Good for you for being so honest. The best blogs share the struggle. I’m not struggling these days because I’m firmly in weight loss mode but I hope that if I hit a roadblock I can be transparent in my writing. Lordy, those posts are hard.

  2. Meegan (redstar5) on said:

    Oh Jen, how I need to blog about what an injury can do to one’s mindset and choices. I’ve been in an emotional, very challenging place with it all. Thank you for being honest with yourself and with us in the blogosphere about what’s happening. Our struggle will always be shared. Like T tells me, if we’re feeling it, so is someone else and it helps both of us to get it out there.
    Lots of love! Keep mending and keep sharing! xo

  3. I love that first quote! Love everything about this post Jen – keep keeping it real! 😀

  4. {{{Jen}}} This is your place and all you ever have to be is yourself.

    There is such empowerment in sharing, and what’s cool about empowerment (versus just plain old power) is that it’s a reciprocal process. As you share, you help yourself and you help others. That’s what’s so freaking cool about this community of ours!!

  5. Sharing your struggles with those who care (and count me in that group) is a wonderful first step in the healing process. It is part of the circle of life – you share, others learn to care more, and they can then help others and receive help when they need it.

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