I am Jen, Jen I am

my journey towards happy and healthy healing…inside and out!

16 days

According to the cute little ticker I have right over there on my right sidebar, I have 16 days until surgery!

HOLY CRAP!

I am sorta freaking out!

I have raged through many, many emotions over the past two months. I have been hiding those feelings – online, on blog, at home, at school. I have been trying to fight all the feelings because I need to be the strong one! I don’t want Q to be scared! I don’t want Big Man to worry.

Last night on twitter, there was a little conversation among some of my fave ladies! We were chatting about putting on that perfect, smiley face.  I realized I have been doing that – making everything ok for everyone! It’s what I do! I put a positive, smiley spin on everything that hurts!

THAT WAS MAKING ME CRAZY! I felt like I was drowning. I couldn’t keep posting blogs because I felt like a fraud. I had built up Jen in Real Life to always be this happy, shiny place but that is so NOT real life. I felt trapped by my own ways. I felt like I shouldn’t admit that I was scared or sad or … or… or

I started a new blog, this blog. I changed my name!

I had a new mission – to work on ME! To make each day a little bit better than the day before.

But I let my head get in the way. I let myself start to slip on the slippery slope towards old & bad habits. I wasn’t going to post about being scared. I was going to bury it down and just let you all think  everything was hunkydory. It’s not hunkydory. I need major surgery on my knee and ankle. I should have had the ankle surgery 4 years ago, but I was not in a place to do it then.  All the regrets of putting off the surgery is staring me in the face.  I am freaking out. Surgery is scary. Regret is scary.

I am sorry that I almost allowed my insecurities, and need to be the happy, perky, upbeat Jen, almost keep me from using this space as I intended.  I want and need this space to be about the healing.

With the healing, I need the feeling.

The good feelings, the bad feelings, the ugly feelings, and all the feelings in between.

I am done putting a smiley, happy face on all the time!

I am 16 days away from a major surgery and I am SCARED!!

I am 16 days away from surgery and I am facing the fears!

I am facing the feelings.

 

 


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6 thoughts on “16 days

  1. Keep on feeling the feelings Jen. I’m learning exactly what that means myself. Trust me when I say its: a) worth all of it and b) some days will be easier to move through than others – the trick is to JUST KEEP MOVING THROUGH! You have the strength to get through your surgery and set yourself up for an amazing recovery process not to mention your days beyond, I know it! I’ll be reading and cheering you on!

  2. I was really surprised that -after saying “I need a new hip” about 2000 times to make myself believe it- I never faced a second of fear or doubt. I expected it. I prepared myself mentally to deal with it. It never came.

    Spend some time embracing the fear. Document it -what scares you? Blog it. What worries you? Say the words out loud to yourself, to store clerks, to coworkers, to us. Repeat them until they both become real and lose their power.

  3. It is VERY scary! BUT….you have a great support system, both at home and online! You will make it through surgery better than before! I will be praying for you and you know I’ve got your back when you need to whine, complain, scream, etc! HUGS!!

  4. jeep.jenn on said:

    I dont know if this will help you or not….the things that helped me before my surgery, is I did some research on the operation I was going for. My operation (gall bladder) has been done a million times and most doctors can do it in their sleep. I then researched my surgeon. He is not the most personable man, but he knows what he is doing. He doesnt need to be my best friend, just do it right!
    After having a good idea what the surgery entails (I actually watched it on youtube) i found i was much less nervous about it. I understood what was going to go on, and how I would feel after the surgery.

    Maybe educating yourself about what will happen, what will happen after the surgery will make you feel more “in control” of yourself at least.

    Don’t worry Jen, everything will be fine if you trust your doctor and have faith in yourself and your support system!

    Love You!!! 🙂

  5. It’s okay to be scared. It helps to say it.

    I say it all the time. I’ve been scared since the morning of 10/19 when all the stuff started with my dad. BUT its okay for both of us.

    Do your research on your surgery. Ask your doctors a million & one questions…ask everything you want to know. Take some time to process it and have faith that all will turn out okay. I keep a notebook in my purse about what the doctos say about dad because I am so nervous that I forget.

    Thinking of you and sending many prayers, hugs and good positive thoughts your way. {Hugs}

  6. I’ll be thinking and praying and wishing and hoping for you that all goes well. I love the REAL Jen, btw – not the one that puts on what others want. Always have, always will! Love ya, lady.

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